April

2007-01-28T03:07:00.000+08:00

some cages are never meant to be opened.
some shame only blood can heal
some pain you'd never understand
i just thought you know,
i just thought you love
i just thought you were different

how do i lock it all back in?
you'd never understand
i thought you did.
i thought you heal it all.

i thought you heal it all.
i thought you heal it all.

2007-01-15T02:41:00.000+08:00

chinese songs are written with soul. now i know. now i feel.

2007-01-13T01:32:00.000+08:00

slow internet connection is driving me nuts. oh wells. i'm just i dunno. tired i guess. fuck my blog is damn depressing. its a terrible reflection of me really. guess its cos i only blog when i am emo.

what would you do if you die today and God said you were given one more day. just one more day. What would you do with that one more day?

2007-01-02T14:05:00.000+08:00

i'm proud of myself.

for the first time in my life, my parents have given me rules, and a curfew. i don't mind, and in fact i'm quite happy to have them. i'm very happy to abide by them. i really am.

i know how messed up i have been for so long. i lost myself. and i lost much more.

i feel i'm finding back who April really is. Welcome back April.

2006-12-29T01:38:00.000+08:00

it feels so good to use anti dandruff shampoo and let it soak into my scalp. i'd soak my head in anti drandruff shampoo even longer but i'm afraid it'll burn a hole into my skull. Esp when anti dandruff shampoo has some menthol in it. my scalp feels so nice and clean nvm that my hair will be destroyed. at least it will be clean.

this sounds like a ad.

and it also feels so good to use nice thick creamy moisturizer. haha. yay.

nice little pleasures. we always forget. how many times do we take a shower in a rush. bathe, get out of there.

but i think a bath is a magical thing. haha.

i love feeling clean.

aiy, time to wax soon. haha gettin hairy. SHIT.

WAHH waxing is a friggin lifetime commitment.

2006-12-26T04:28:00.000+08:00

i'm starting to think,
maybe its time.

2006-12-23T03:18:00.000+08:00

and you can say baby.............

baby can i hold you tonight

=)

2006-12-20T22:25:00.000+08:00

never let the small things get in the way of the big picture.

but today i learnt, never let the big picture get in the way of small things.

2006-12-15T22:48:00.000+08:00

kl is not bad.

actually hk isnt that bad as i put it.

its just all the food there had pork in it. so i barely had any choices.

AND there is NO CHILLI there. they only have the mala chilli. but that one no kick one. all the food there is too bland. too qeng alr. i cannot eat so simply for so long. haha

(just had damn good, proper indian meal =) now i'm like a teletubby. haaa.)

actually Hongkong isnt that bad la. i think it was a combi of travelling with the parents, the weather (winter is bloody depressing), the lack of spicy food, and probably most importantly,

NOT MUCH SHOPPING. damn the bloody winter. haha.

anyway, i realised in HK, (OK i always knew, but this time i witnessed), how much my mom loves my dad, and gives in to him. seriously, my mom is like so i dunno sacrificing toward him, constantly taking care of his needs. as in, i dunno how to put it, but when he's around, she is permanatly worrying about him, making her damn hard to live with. but when he wasnt around, just my mom my sis and me,she's so many times more relaxed. she is fun and funny.

hmmm. i wonder if that is bad. but i guess that's how it works between my dad and mom. its none of my business to judge whether its good or bad. and there isnt any point anyway. its just the way they work.

but i learnt that giving selflessly to someone is seriously admirable. i realise how self centred i am. how my world is about me receiving. me taking, how the world SHOULD treat me. not about how I should treat the world.

hmmm. its time to make some changes. to be a better player.

2006-12-15T01:23:00.001+08:00

found that someone.

am damn happy.

someone who understands me.

2006-12-15T01:23:00.000+08:00

found that someone.

am damn happy.

2006-12-13T15:36:00.000+08:00

this is about the most stressful holiday anyone can go for.

sigh i'm so bored, so stressed, so irritated. sigh. sigh .sigh.

i hate this holiday. i want to fly back ASAP.

my mom is being bloody irritating. hk isnt all that fun. at all. sigh. actually no, its not the place, its the company. sigh. no one is listening to me when i speak here. my mom is so caught up in her own little world and excitement. my sis is so pissed as well. my dad is just entertaining my mom and we are all going mad.

most of all, i miss reeve like mad. sigh. why do i miss him more than ever now i'm in hk? i'm thinking so much these few days, realising alot of stuff, and almost going mad.

somebody save me.

reeve i miss you.

2006-12-10T07:58:00.000+08:00

at the budget terminal now continuing my massive obssessive blogging streak.

its just i have so many so many so many things to say, but i don't know how to say it. because some things need to be thought through and you need all the time in the world to say, because there is just too much, and you realise stuff as you go along. and when circumstances just don't give you that chance, that amount of time and space, and when too many other factors and emotions come into play, everything you do and say will somehow just not do your intention or your feelings or your heart justice.

sorry reeve, i know i was being very very stupid (you know what i am talking about). its a very stupid thing to do. my mind was damn clouded and sigh i just didn't know what i was doing. i was stupid, i'm sorry to myself. i know you went through a lot and i know you are/were super hurt. i'm really sorry k. i was stupid, but i don't want to be stupid any longer.

i don't wanna play the sit back and wait game. i've used that too many times in too many aspects of my life, and i think each time i always failed. i want to be a fighter. i'm gonna fight for what i want, from now onward.

i hope you too, in everything.

2006-12-10T01:22:00.001+08:00

this front part is dedicated to you =)
[my ramblings start later]

last year i was at bangkok with my family, mad over you. i knew my mom would be watching me all the time and watching my spending all the time too and she wouldnt let me get you anything. but i wanted to give you something so badly. so i remember taking along that small notebook. haha i wrote in it every single day, no matter how tired i was at night, i wrote. i wrote i wrote i wrote. hahaha that was my bangkok 2005 present to you. it was very heartfelt. every single word and diagram in there, i thought about and i really really meant it. haha then i remember we just couldnt take 7 days apart!haha we had the sms code, ilu for i love you mu for miss you, and so many others. hahhaha so i squeezed and i really thought about every single thing to squeeze into one message. hahah oh wells =) i was crazy and i was totally mad about you.

i dunno if you still have that notebook. i dunno if you still remember. i dunno if you like that present or not. i hope you still have it and i hope you liked it and i hope you treasured it.

the year before that, we were in bangkok together! oh wells, everybody hated me there, but you were there for me. we held hands and didn't let go for one whole damn day! walk from mbk to pratunam and then cannot buy anything much except my jeans cos i forgot to bring my money! but you still gave me urs to buy that jeans. haha then we barely had enough to cab back. haha we walk through the gay street of patpong with like guts of mice. hahah the stupid fat gay kept pulling ur hand and then you damn scared and then grip my hand so tightly ha ha. hahah stupid lah that cock!!! cannot see that you are straight and we were holding hands meh! haha. and then we were at that fantastic cruise dinner. was the best times of my life. sigh. the amazing race trip. ha ha ha. aaah!! we were the only group to hitch a ride!!!!! haha. lotus tesco supermarket! oh my good. and sitting on the top of the bus to the village. oh my god. you boiled water for me to bathe. you cooked clam chowder and we had clam chowder sitting on the outside. haha and i rmb that guy who washed his shirt until the sink broke!!!and he squeeze the tshirt until the ground had bubbles!!!!! hahahahaha and how we ALL burst out laughing! haha and bangkok christian guesthouse =)=)=)=)=) the breakfast! haha you packed my bag for me when i was sick. then the next day you were sick and tired and couldnt wake up so i brought the breakfast to ur room! haha =) oh when we were at pratunam we were dumped by all those taxi drivers, nobody to pick us up! kena thrown outta the cab as well. and it was dark and i was scared. and we had to walk all the way to the train station. for once i lost my sense of direction, but i totally followed you and i trusted you the whole time. haha did you know i was freaking scared? haha i pretend only but i was scared. hahah. that was bangkok 2004. we were so crazy about each other. we were.

its been so many years, such a long time. things have changed so much, yet amazingly, somehow, things havent changed all that much after all. haha. all these stuck at some corner of my mind, and heart, i'm so caught up with everything now, everything happening and i'm feeling right now. this is such a nice little break. this is such a nice little reminder of why i'm so mad about you.

[my ramblings start here]

this is such a nice little reminder of why i'm so mad about you. i feel relieved, i feel like now i can understand why i feel like that. too many people and too many things and me myself make me feel so bad about being just so head over heels over you. i feels almost like a sin. but now i feel relieved. i understand why i feel like that, and i'm not angry at myself anymore =).

damn i realise now how like we get all caught up in our daily lives we forget to feel. we get so caught up with emotions of the present we forget so much. we forget the essence of everything.

if that made any sense.

i'm feeling good now. haha essence. hahahhahah back to the gist, back to the crux of everything. and life is so so much simpler. forget the factors. hahah oh my i feel good and zen right now. haha.

my mood this trip will be slightly different, but the essence will be the same.

i think i need to find a motto to live by. currently i live more or less by following my heart. seems like i need something a little less, lasser faire.

the essence is of the issue. the peripheral is just that, the peripheral. you make ur decision based on the essence, and then you work out the peripheral.

we are so messed up because we consider too much. at least i am so messed up, because i consider too much, i think too much.

life should be much simpler. i need to prioritize. haha. talking to my old friend made me realise. i lack. i really lack. i lack drive, discipline, direction, determination.

aaah off to bed. i cannot make it alr. flying off tmr and at this time i'm still blogging like mad!

oh wait i need to blog this down also. hmm i was talking to someone i havent spoken to for way too long. some stuff said

if things seem bad....
dont worry cos it could get worst.
and if things seemed to be the worst possible....
dont worry it can only get better =) !

maybe if try and set your priorities. you find a way to handle the pressure =)

but you know what...you only got so much you can do in this lifetime.
might as well just go alll out and do it.

if you ever have anything troubling you
you know where to get me =)
haha although i'm not online like forever

dont worry so much girl.
i know you. you a thought nut to crack
so dont you ever crack now aight?!
mean you dont let little things get in the way of the bigger pciture.

hmmm, wah you mean all this while i don't let little things get in the way of the bigger picture? haha i never knew.

ok that's everything note worthy....almost.

haha kk. nights to all.

2006-12-09T02:13:00.000+08:00

actually i talk so much,

but really i'm the most deluded of the deluded

and the most childish of the childish.

haha ok now don't say i don't know. I KNOW I FUCKING KNOW.

but i'm annoyed with a certain Y. erm, excuse me, you are big fuck is it? why should she owe you an explanation, why should she give a fucking damn about you, what effort have you put in? what the hell do YOU deserve. just because you sit here and obssess doesnt if you the ticket to any shit you GEDDIT?

ya, actually you know what i think YOU WIN. YOU ARE EVEN MORE DELUDED THAN ME. i let YOU take the THRONE.

We are the zanies of sorrow. We are the clowns whose hearts are broken.

2006-12-08T02:17:00.001+08:00

2006-12-08T01:36:00.000+08:00

i got an answer. ha ha pls note: its AN answer not THE answer.

Love is a fictional emotion brought on by pheromones and fear of abandonment.

Yay that beats all the pathetic dictionary definitions. DAMN did i seriously look up "love" in the dictionary??????

2006-12-07T08:58:00.000+08:00

Have you ever loved somebody so much you are willing to forgive every single little thing he does?

Every single part of your consciousness tells you he sucks, get over him, but somewhere in there, deep deep in there all you wanna do is hug him and tell him you love him.

When everybody tells you he is not worth it, but you know you'd never listen to them, you know the rational decision to make is not the decision you can accept.

Have you ever loved somebody so much you even find his faults so cute.

You think about his faults and his weaknesses and you smile to yourself. They actually bring you comfort.

Have you ever loved somebody so much you don't even need to be with him.

Have you ever loved somebody so much when he doesn't treat you with enough respect, you get upset, not because he didn't give you that respect, but because by doing so, he wasn't treating himself with dignity either.

And you are hurt, and you are upset, and you cry just because of that.

Have you ever loved somebody so much when circumstances and everybody says he cannot make it, but you know he will. You don't know how he will, but you know he somehow will.

Have you ever loved somebody so much, you find yourself dreaming of him every single night. Waking up like the most blessed girl alive, if it was a good dream.

Mostly you just wake up in cold sweat.

Have you ever loved somebody so much, you find yourself not missing him, but you find yourself missing us. (that didnt make sense but you get it.)

Have you ever loved somebody so much, you feel like you are drawing circles in water. You try so hard to draw, but the circles wash away before you finish. You feel like you cant control anything. You feel like you cant even control yourself.

Why am i talking about love in the first place? Who am i to speak of love? What do i even know about love? Why do i feel this way?

2006-12-07T08:11:00.000+08:00

i have no conclusion to that qn. i havent been thinking about it man. sigh. i havent been thinking about anything else except you know what. or rather you know who.

sigh.

maybe its time to wake up my idea.

i don't mind loving you from a far. i'm actually quite happy doing that. yeah actually i'm already doing that.

ok change topic.

just back from zouk. i hate clubbing. sigh. came back at 5 plus then slept at 6 plus then woke up in a cold sweat at 7 plus and here i am now blogging at 8 plus.

clubbing and drinking and getting drunk and everything is really fun for the moment. you are high, you are happy, the world is still not peacefull and perfect, but you don't care. today the taxi uncle said: tiao wu kuai le ru shen xian. haha its true.

but tmr when you wake up, its a total different story. emptiness sets in. that feeling of happiness you try to hold on to. you try so freaking hard to grab on to something, but all you are left with is thin air.

why the hell did i chase that fleeting moment of happiness in the first place?

maybe the same can be said of my relationship. but i think i sucks to liken my relationship to clubbing. clubbing is this superficial inconsequential disgusting sport. how could i even bare to draw that comparison.

i want to believe my relationship is something that is more tangible, something more real, something worth cherishing and something worth clinging on to.

but in the end, i find myself asking that same question. why the hell did i, or why the hell am i even chasing that fleeting moment of happiness in the first place?

why do i chase this love (or so you call it) for all its caprice?

ok i think i used the word caprice wrong. argh whatever for all its worth.

i'm rambling already. somebody wake up my idea. somebody understand me.

2006-12-05T03:53:00.000+08:00

what is the difference between love and infatuation?

the answer seems obvious but maybe it is not.

so i will think about this for the next few days until i can come to some conclusion.

for now, some lame test... again.

The Wild Rose
Random Brutal Love Dreamer (RBLDf)

shmolorful, but unpicked. You are The Wild Rose.

Prone to bouts of cynicism, sarcasm, and thorns, you excite a certain kind of man. Hoping to gather you up, he flirts and winks and asks you out, ultimately professing his love. Then you make him bleed. Why? Because you're the rare, independent, self-sufficient kind of woman who does want love, but not from a weakling.

You don't seem to take yourself too seriously, and that's refreshing. You aren't uptight; you don't over-plan. Romance-wise, sex isn't a top priority--a true relationship would be preferable. For your age, you haven't had a lot of bonafide love experience, though, and this kind of gets to core of the issue. You're very selective.

Your exact opposite:
The Dirty Little Secret

Deliberate Gentle Sex Master

The problem is them, not you, right? You have lofty standards that few measure up to. You're out there all right, but not to be picked up by just anyone.

"You're never truly single as long as you have yourself."

ALWAYS AVOID: The Bachelor

CONSIDER: The Vapor Trail.

Link: The 32-Type Dating Test by OkCupid - Free Online Dating.

2006-12-04T02:41:00.000+08:00

The vestibule door opens onto a June morning so fine and scrubbed Clarissa pauses at the threshold as she would at the edge of a pool, watching the turquoise water lapping at the tiles, the liquid nets of sun wavering in the blue depths.

As if standing at the edge of a pool she delays for a moment the plunge, the quick membrane of chill, the plain shock of immersion.

2006-12-02T16:01:00.000+08:00

oh my goodness. boon tong kee chicken rice is disgusting. damn gross. yucks! the chilli is weird, the ginger got no kick, the rice is bland, the chicken is damn tough and cubby. i eat until pek chek. the cucumber is not fresh. and they didn't serve soup.

what the hell. the only good thing is that they gave some sian cai. but who gives a damn about sian cai when you cant even get any of the rest right.

oh and the price is $3.10.

the best chicken rice (now that ah tiong chicken rice has closed down) is at my house downstairs. haha the one 2 stalls away from ah liang hokkien mee.

2006-12-02T15:54:00.000+08:00

that day timmy said:

Mummy, is it work is big people's school?

Mummy: yes

Timmy: then why big people's school so long, mine so short?

2006-12-01T01:56:00.000+08:00

so much is said about needing somebody.

how many times you hear on tv, lao po i really need you, i wouldn't know what to do without you, i really need you in my life.

perhaps the true test is not NEEDING somebody. perhaps the true test is WANTING that somebody.

perhaps it is only when your life is on track, everything is going well, you are doing perfectly fine being single and being strong, but you want to share your everything with that someone else.

do you love somebody, or do you love someone.

2006-11-27T15:05:00.000+08:00

and obviously i'm just wallowing in self pity. damn. i want to set my mind, get my life back in order. but so many times i feel myself wandering back to where i first started. maybe i have not. maybe i may wander backward, but i have still made some progress.

yeah, maybe.

maybe all i need is some perseverance. i'm impatient, yes i know. i want to see results immediately, and i never forgive myself for any fall along the way. i want to succeed and cannot take it if along the way i fail.

oh my elitist mindset. is it me, the perfectionist virgo? or is it my upbringing, rgs.... raffles elite shit. probably its a mix. i'd like to blame myself, darn, i was just born like that. i'd like to blame my school, darn. but that doesnt do me any good, does it? but i swear i don't think i'll send my kids every to raffles. i really think its a warped place.

i feel better after writing all these. but at the end of the day, i'm still fragile old me. give me a few hours, and i'll laspe again. back into that same old pit, mud on its walls. oh how do i climb?

2006-11-27T14:43:00.000+08:00

and you didn't see the tears i cried, cos i cried them in the rain.

i think i'm one of those girls, whose emotions are just secondary. i'm one of those girls people think can handle this or handle that. i one of those girls people think i can take care of myself, i can handle everything, i will be fine, i feelings need not be protected. actually i not. i'm no where near any of that. i'm damn fragile and i'm damn helpless. and i'm getting more and more helpless. i need God. i realise.

i shall stop trying to be funny and fooling around with satanic nonsense. i mean i look at my life for the past half year, where did that bring me?

i'm glad actually. i should be. i been to hell and back and now i freaking hell know that hell is no good. i'm a complete mess, i just about every single aspect of my life. i have no darn control and i'm just one big mess. great. so where do i start picking up the pieces?

i'm just one major crisis right now. when you face problems, where do you look? inside or outside? i looked inside and i found nothing. my entire source of strength and my entire motivation is wrong. damn i got it all so wrong.

but i don't even know what is right. and even if i knew, how the hell do you get there?

i feel like i've fallen into a pit i can never get out of. you know you should get out, you know you must, but it just takes too much effort, i lack the motivation. it seems alot easier to just stay here.

where do i find the stength, where do i find the motivation. where do i find me?

even when i know only i can save myself, i still find myself asking, will somebody save me.

2006-11-27T14:38:00.000+08:00

i'm printing all my biz law notes now. how dumb. i'm so late.

ohwells. my dad came and said, see how timely if i didn't but the ink yesterday you think you can print?

so i said, yeah its because no ink that's why i didn't print for the past few days.

its all bullshit but so what.

2006-11-26T23:41:00.000+08:00

come , let us tar the brands essence. bo tar bo lam pa!!!!

2006-11-25T18:43:00.000+08:00

in one week, i've matured so much.

i think it's time to stop and take stock of my life. what have i been doing for the past year? and even more significantly, what have i been doing for the past half a year? i'm afraid the answer is nothing really. if there are two directions your life can go, towards the good and towards the bad, i'm sure everything i've done in the past half year has brought me towards bad.

But life is never two dimensional. I'm being over simplistic. but you get the idea.

i need to stop and take stock. What have i become? I know for sure some part of me has become much older and jaded. i feel like some much rests on me now. i feel i can no longer take that passive attitude towards life. Everything will work out, give it time. face a problem, don' solve it. it'll solve itself. No more of that girl. Now i've gotta sit up and think about what i face, i gotta make proper decisions. And i have to fight for what i want. No longer can i just sit back and hope what i want comes to me. Destiny doesn't work like that girl. I can no longer think that what is meant to be yours is meant to be yours. i suppose that's still true to some extent. But i've really taken that too far. Its time to wake up, to take control of my own life.

2006-11-17T19:35:00.001+08:00

i feel so old. i feel so old, jaded and shagged. i feel like i just cannot be a kid anymore. i must grow up and manage my problems like a grown up. but how do you do that? how do you sit and wait out the pain? what do grown ups do? i don't want any problems. how? i feel so bogged down and heavy and shag. what do i do what do i do.

2006-11-17T19:35:00.000+08:00

2006-11-17T01:32:00.000+08:00

quotes from Casino Royale.

erm. actually i think none of them is accurate.

"pleasure's always too painful to enjoy"

"when will men stop treating women as disposable commodities (?), and start treating them as meaningful pursuits"

"you're not my type. Smart? Single."

My name is Bond. James Bond

okay now i think they are seriously inaccurate. go watch the show. its not very good. but i kinda think the script's quite smart.

2006-11-15T22:22:00.000+08:00

sian somebody save me please. this feeling is terrible sob sob sob.

2006-11-14T03:51:00.000+08:00

hey guys, i'm really tired now. writing my learning journal has made me realise how my english and writing skills have gone down the drain.

oh wells. i wanna pierce my ear and get my tattoo. i wanna pierce my lip but i have no guts.

i really miss my arm. my arm to hold and my arm that protects me. argh. i think i sound as stupid as a raintree.

what the hell am i saying. argh. debs will understand.

2006-11-13T00:07:00.000+08:00

ithinkearthisheaven.blogspot.com

i find it almost laughable. just shows how jaded i am.

anyway i think that because everything is the way it is, they were meant to be like that.

How else do you explain the present?

i'm warped. oh well.

2006-11-12T02:20:00.001+08:00

for the first time, i teared.

some things aren't what they seem.

2006-11-11T01:09:00.000+08:00

there are some feelings that just never go away. they might become dormant, but the remnants will still remain.

sigh i hate the com. i hate myself. i think i have issues.

go to hell, april.

2006-11-02T21:37:00.000+08:00

HAI my diet and money saving plan screwed today.

first, i saw the damn nice necklace outside kopitiam today. broke my no shopping and no spending spree. sian.

second, the snow ice and deep fried dripping oil wantan killed my no spending on food rule. sian.

third, my mother and grandma cook crab, KNN of course i have to eat alot alot. **

fourth, my aunt make cheesecake/pudding. FUCK lah!!!

WHAT KIND OF DIET IS THIS!?!

**but i figured crabs are negative calories. all that work that goes into cracking the shell, peeling the parts of the shell, sucking the shell, spitting out bits of shell. AAAH

2006-11-02T00:08:00.000+08:00

You Are 20% Left Brained, 80% Right Brained

The left side of your brain controls verbal ability, attention to detail, and reasoning.Left brained people are good at communication and persuading others.If you're left brained, you are likely good at math and logic.Your left brain prefers dogs, reading, and quiet.
The right side of your brain is all about creativity and flexibility.Daring and intuitive, right brained people see the world in their unique way.If you're right brained, you likely have a talent for creative writing and art.Your right brain prefers day dreaming, philosophy, and sports.

Are You Right or Left Brained?

2006-11-01T23:45:00.000+08:00

You Are 84% Bipolar

You have some serious ups and downs, maybe to the point of endangering your own life.Consult a doctor to see if you may truly have bipolar disorder.

Are You Bipolar?

If You Were Born in 2893...

Your Name Would Be: Baan Vovv

And You Would Be: The Future's Last Hope

If You Were Born in 2893

You Are 66% Passionate, 34% Compassionate

You are very passionate, especially when it comes to love.
In fact, it's sometimes difficult for you to tell between love and lust.
You jump in head first, and figure things out later... usually when it's all over!

Is Your Love Style Passionate or Compassionate?

Your Blogging Type is Artistic and Passionate

You see your blog as the ultimate personal expression - and work hard to make it great.
One moment you may be working on a new dramatic design for your blog...
And the next, you're passionately writing about your pet causes.
Your blog is very important - and you're careful about who you share it with.

What's" Your Blogging Personality?

2006-11-01T23:10:00.000+08:00

You Should Learn Portuguese

Muito legal! For you, learning a language is all about the lifestyle that comes with it.
And Brazilian beaches, hotties, parties, and soccer matches are just your style.

What Language Should You Learn?

You Are A Realistic Romantic

It's easy for you to get swept away by romance...
But you've done a pretty good job keeping perspective.
You're still taken in by love poems and sunsets
You just don't fall for every dreamy pick up line!

Are You Romantic or Realistic?

You Will Be a Modern Bride!

While you aren't ready to throw away all wedding tradions, you want a wedding with a twist
You're more inspired by celebrity weddings on E! than from bridal magazines
Whether this means getting married on the beach barefoot or a mariachi band for the reception...
Your wedding will be a blend of old and new - white dress cocktail, personalied vows, whatever suites you!!!

What Kind of Bride Will You Be?

2006-10-31T23:22:00.001+08:00

watching princess hours vcd now.

that's the amount of discipline i have.

sigh i can feel myself slipping and getting depressed again. i just wanna rot and die.

2006-10-31T23:22:00.000+08:00

watching princess hours vcd now.

that's the amount of discipline i have.

sigh i can feel myself slipping and getting depressed again. i just wanna rot and die.

2006-10-31T01:12:00.000+08:00

April says:
so my criteria
April says:
1. lan jiao bin/ i like can alr
April says:
2. must be like abit KB. but not to me
April says:
fucking fucking nice to me, but damn cynical about everything else. hahahhahahahaha
April says:
3. don't have to be rich
April says:
4. cannot be kiam
April says:
5. don't have to be smart. ok can already.
April says:
6. actually can be smart but 80% of intelligence divert to being cock
April says:
hhahahahahaah okie goodie.
April says:
that's my criteria
April says:
fucking easy to meet lor. muhahhahaha
Most everything you think you know about me is nothing more than memories says:
hahahahahahaha
Most everything you think you know about me is nothing more than memories says:
very easy meh. no wat. harder than mine
April says:
where got
Most everything you think you know about me is nothing more than memories says:
aiya
Most everything you think you know about me is nothing more than memories says:
i think my criteria got things missing
Most everything you think you know about me is nothing more than memories says:
if not right
Most everything you think you know about me is nothing more than memories says:
all these guys who meet
Most everything you think you know about me is nothing more than memories says:
i should like right
Most everything you think you know about me is nothing more than memories says:
but i dun
Most everything you think you know about me is nothing more than memories says:
hahahaha
Most everything you think you know about me is nothing more than memories says:
the x factor
Most everything you think you know about me is nothing more than memories says:
hahahahaha
Most everything you think you know about me is nothing more than memories says:
i think when i meet the perfect guy i'll know lar
Most everything you think you know about me is nothing more than memories says:
hahahaha
April says:
haahahahah its not like erm buy light bulb
April says:
correct model can screw in (no pun intended)

haha wtf. next time i'll write out my criteria properly. hahahahhahahah knn what is this? advertorial ah. maybe more like "missing person" notice. hahahahha

lame but fun thinking coming up with such lists.

but for now, single is good. i am happy being single (something i missed out on for too long). cheers to all single and to everlasting friendship =).

until one day i am 30, left on the shelve, expiring and unfucked, then i start worrying. eh, maybe then would be too late alr!

oh wells. nvm. today's good when today's happy.

cheers.

2006-10-30T01:45:00.000+08:00

checking out the WSM saga.

haha wtf. no comments man. everybody should get a life and go off kiddos, go mug, faster faster scholarship awaiting, go work, knn later the ang mo come take your job. don't tag already! the world is a better place if everybody lets peace be! muhahhahahhahahaah

peace!

irony here i am blogging about it. hooray i just made it onto the friggin long list of blogs blogging about WSM.

hehs, guess wad, many more people than i know may be reading my insignificant, teenage, angsty blog ramblings!!!!!!!

2006-10-29T05:47:00.000+08:00

back from halloween.

i'm stressed but too tired to funtion and get stuff done. sigh tonight's a night i really shouldn't have gone. sigh. now i have to pick up the pieces. i'm irritated with myself. maybe even more disappointed.

i have fuckloads of work to do. good at least now i got clubbing outta my system. at least until december.

shag. i need to sleep. i cant wait for december. arghh.

2006-10-29T02:11:00.000+08:00

Blogging in zouk right now. WTF. i know its halloween. still Fucking bored.

Anyway nothing to do with blogging in zouk, i think i must be the greatest loser on earth. Someone take a knife and stab me.

2006-10-28T14:28:00.000+08:00

Another quotable quote from my mom.

On my dad's attractiveness:

"You so old until almost lelong already!!!"

2006-10-25T17:14:00.000+08:00

cont. What can i say? ha but then i saw "tung ling kindergarten" school bus. hahaha and my baby was inside. =)=) and i didn' feel so bad.

anyway csp has more or less come to a close. we are all plotting how to shut aarish outta the portfolio and presentation. actually i don't see a need, cos he shut himself out in the first place. maybe we are all terrified he'd suddenly go "i want back in" or demand it by conduct. (some biz law for u here). oh well but i don't really care about him anyway. i think even if he did shit loads of work now, his grade would still be fixed. i just don't want him around us. even if he did apologise and promise to work twenty times harder, i'd still resent him and his presence. seriously, his presence alone gets on my nerves. he doesn't have to do or say anything. i can't believe he had the guts to come today. freeload on our work, and that he didn't bother even to find out what was going on. k fine i won't into that. if i start complaining it'd be endless.

off to sleep. might go mambo, or maybe just devils.

2006-10-25T08:53:00.001+08:00

Caught a whiff of Hari raya this morning. Sweet, spicy, musky, oily. Yummy. Ha ha. Super good mood and proud of myself cos i was early for once. Then i boarded the bus 36. Lo and behold i forgot my wallet. I knew it! The day couldn't be so perfect. And so the cb uncle give me the cb attitude. be nice la i'm just one blur fuck who's fucking panicking over that missing wallet. Cb. So i got off at parkway and walked home feeling damn paiseh and sorry for myself. Some people are just more cursed than others.

2006-10-24T02:21:00.001+08:00

i used to think there was a way to wipe the slate clean, to make up for everything we've done.

our heads over the wall Linc, for everyone.

2006-10-23T00:39:00.000+08:00

i realise today, that disillusionment is not the the opposite of idealism.

the only reason why i am disillusioned (at times) and morbid (all the time) is because i'm idealistic. i want everything to be perfect, and envision everything to be fair and just and happy. and when reality falls short, as it always does, i get upset.

idealism is a stupid idea altogether. idealists want reality to meet ideal. but that, by definition, if anything, will never realise (all pun intended). there will always remain a gap between reality and ideal else the ideal will no longer be ideal. The ideal will not exist (shit more pun, but not intended here).

on another note,

there is a land i don't want to return to. a land where i don't have control over my emotions. a land where me is not me, but us. there's nothing wrong in that, but i didn't know where to put a stop, and neither did you. In that land, i wasn't me, i wasn't in control. Past incidents ruled my head (and heart). your iron grip was your insecurity (until today i don't know what or where it stems from). i vented my anger, frustration and helplessness on you. i'm sorry but that land is not where i want to be.

'nuff said.

2006-10-20T13:07:00.000+08:00

Here i am on the way to school, extremely late for class. Serious i have zero discipline and no sense of time. Its been a ridiculously tiring week. Sigh. Have to start the mugging. I want to do well and i have one month left

2006-10-18T00:49:00.000+08:00

My mom is so cute.

today i came back she said

"so how was your 45 minute bluffology on monday?"

(i told her business law test was 45 minute)

haha my mom so cute =) she obviously knows i didn't study.

2006-10-15T01:28:00.000+08:00

I figured that since guys treat girls as trophies, girls should just treat guys as atms. All the hype about cheap girls who see only dollar signs. Just as many if not more guys can't get past a face. Face it, (no pun intended) we are all superficial carnal creatures. That being said, i would never go for a guy for money. It would be torture.

Rah blogging on phone is tough. I sound weird

2006-10-13T21:36:00.000+08:00

So i saw the pictures. Ha ha ha funny ah.

Why do girls throw themselves at guys? You kill your chances; you cheapen yourself. I thought it was the more you like the person the more cool you must be (or at least behave). Anyway people like me will just let the world pass me by. Ha ha and in the end, i lose.

Beauty lies in the eyes of the beholder. (Or so they say). I think, true beauty lies in the eyes of true love.

And that mysteriously sounds like 'love is blind' .

2006-10-10T00:42:00.000+08:00

The latest drama has unfolded in my family.

It is pathetic.

It is sad. Somebody, whose life has been so intertwined with ours for so long.
It is worrying. Suddenly, my shielded little world and neighbourhood has taken a beating.
It is terrifying. Those are lovely kids, just three and five.
It is hopeless. Things will never be the same again. When trust is broken, trust is broken.
It is heart wrenching. The old lady's possessions, sweat and pain, sentiment, trust, and most of all, Love.

My conclusion (yes i know its a pathetic conclusion): When a person doesn't get his off-day, his day of fun, his day of relaxation, his day of freedom, all hell breaks loose.

I am emotion-less once more. Whatever happens, happens. I just want the kids to be fine. And then i'll mourn the broken trust, friendship, kinship, and love.

I remember the nights we stayed up to make friendship bands. We converse in all language's worth. It was sweet.

2006-10-07T18:27:00.000+08:00

If you breathe in hard enough these few hazy days, you might sense the pensive mood in the air. (Or your virgin lungs might react adversely; serve you right for not smoking). I like it. The activity level is slowing down. Ppl don't seem in such a rush. Or is it just me?

I would like to believe i'm immune to the haze after all that smoke i subject myself to. But i'm getting a headache now. Rah

2006-10-05T01:23:00.000+08:00

i still hate myself and i still wanna die!!!

i hate myself and i wanna die!!!!!

i hate myself and i wanna die!!!!

i hate myself and i wanna die!!!!

i hate myself and i wanna die!!!

yucks. i should fucking give up. i hate myself and i wanna die.

and i sound psychotic

yucks

2006-10-04T01:37:00.000+08:00

i hate myself. i hate myself i hate myself i hate myself i hate myself i hate myself.

2006-10-04T00:45:00.000+08:00

knn.i wanna die. i really wanna die. i wanna die!!! i die!!!!!!

how come when i don't need to talk, i got so much cock to say. but when i need to talk cock, my brains like kena trojan horse lidat!!!!!!

WTF WTF WTF~!

somebody kill me!!!

2006-10-03T00:32:00.000+08:00

an entry to remember my day.

i had lots of fun!

first i woke up and went to medicine fac. the bus broke down and bukit merah and i got off to buy ciggs. first time i got checked! !@#$#%%~! but the aunty was damn nice. she went "sorry ah" when she saw my card. haha maybe i unknowingly gave her a CB face.................... hmmmm

then med fac! fucking funny cos me and debs was listening to hardcore mambo in lecture and doing ALL the actions. talk alot of cock, made alot of noise and laugh damn loudly. hahahahahaha! fun factor: 100%

got all the weird stares from all the medicine people. hahahahhahah. i think if i go down more often and harass them like that, next time, i swear if i ever become one of their patients, they will murder me.

Holland V with jit matin and debs for viet food. hmmm. not that great. only the summer roll was nice.

back to school, i did a little little bit of studying at polar by myself =) =) =). so proud so happy! then forest came and joined me, and we got damn emo about erm BGR and forgot the time so went for class late. hahah i would have just ponned, but KKN attendence.

BUT biz law class turned out to be damn fun. we were watching this jacky wu thingy on you tube, damn fucking funny!!! http://youtube.com/watch?v=aAJR4DvKHkY we arm chio until our face all turn red and we cried and my whole stomach cramp until kaobei. then after that we damn cb keep making fun of Osama's kah kia.

BOMB! AH!!! BOMB! AAHHH!!!!!

Eugene knows, erm. yeah. why does everybody in the world know him!!!!!

2006-10-02T01:41:00.000+08:00

should be sleeping. plan to go to medicine tmr to hmmmm.... yeah to do what ah? haha dunno, to hang around with beloved debs and matin. smoke in the medicine canteen, pose in all black and harass the people there. =) oh and bitch non-stop about all those weird ass freaks. =)

currently i'm a menace at home with all my mess. sorry mans, i dunno where i learnt to be messy from. (note to mother: i KNOW you never taught me to be messy so stop harping on that.) People do NOT learn to be messy, they just ARE.

and, i have to sleep on the floor tonight because my bed is soaked. serious. last night i slept in a soaked bed. apparently the aircon vent was closed so all the water leaked back in and i woke up thinking WTF surely i can't pee THAT much. hahahahaha yeah lucky me sleeps right under the aircon! =)

i can't figure if that was sarcastic. hah

i really need to start studying and sleeping early. i have not slept before 3am in the past..........i dunno how long.

2006-10-01T02:05:00.000+08:00

i'm obsessed. oh no. what am i doing? is this ANOTHER distraction i make for myself???

weird entry by me. i don't know what i'm typing.

Note: this is the boringest weekend i've had since school started.

Just booked plane tickets to HK for the family. Don't know if i'm excited. Sure, i want to see HK (poor, travel-deprived me), but erm, travelling with the mother and father will make my blood pressure rise. Then again, i'll probably piss the shit outta them as well. haha oh well.

So cheapo me told the mother to fly into Macau, then take a taxi to HK, then from HK, we'll train into Shen Zhen then fly out of Shen Zhen. Yeah i'm the cheapoest traveller you'd find anywhere. But my sis refuses to endorse my travel plans and insists (with lots of whining) that she MUST seeeeee the Hong Kong airport. so yeah, we'll fly outta HK and take a day trip to SZ instead. Just as well, flying one way from HK to SIN is cheaper than half the return ticket to HK. And, it is hell much cheaper to fly to Macau than to HK.

Now i'm trying to convince them to stay in backpacker inns instead of budget hotels. Ha ha.

But i want private toilets leh!?

The diva in me is acting up. haha. No no, i'm not a diva mans. i'm the least diva of divas!?

WTF, my brains are stalled. can't think. going to bathe and sleep now. then continue the next half of my boringest weekend tmr.

chao.

2006-09-30T22:18:00.000+08:00

lan pa bo pak jit ma eh orh

Literal translation: Even testicles will turn black when not put under the sun.
Usage: To emphasize how a situation/action cannot be explained.
Example:

Person A: Eh, Beng, why you like that girl? She so fugly, got thunder thighs and her face is mo peng one!

Beng: Hai ya! i like her means i like her mah! Dunno don't ask why lah! Lan pa bo pak jit ma eh orh!!!

2006-09-30T12:20:00.000+08:00

i must remind myself to be strong. i must remind myself that i am above all that.

2006-09-30T02:46:00.000+08:00

i don't know what you are trying to do, but i will not get conned into your mess. i will stay cool because i am cool. Do Not give me theatrics; i am tired. Do not use reverse psychology; i will not fall for it. i love you, or is it loved you. But i look at you now, and i have no idea who i fell in love with. Why did it all turn out this way?

lam pa bo pak jit ma eh orh

2006-09-28T10:17:00.000+08:00

i'm hungover it sucks. this is one of the rare times i get hungover.

dunno what in the world i drank yesterday, then suddenly i felt damn high, but it only lasted a short moment, and then i felt fucking sick.

why must you feel terrible right after you feel good?

i don't get it. it is a fact of life i refuse to admit. i absolutely refuse to understand.

last night was fun. deb's friends Jit and Timothy are seriously nice people and nic (not the ex bf) was really really nice too.

i met isaac and finally saw him with his friends and i dunno what the fuck happened and what the fuck i drank and then oh shit, now i realised i slapped him and his two best friends!!

haha. this is fucking fun, realising what the hell in the world you do when you don't know what you are doing.

then i went back to zouk. and debs and co were finally on the dance floor. yuhao was there on the podium doing the usual shit. haha

oh mans, and jit was like, you should talk to him when you're sober, timothy's like, go now go now! you have more courage when you are drunk. hahaha

so how???

anyway i did talk to him a little (before jit and timothy gave me their respective wise words of advice), but it probably counts for nothing. let me fill in the blanks first. and when i do i'll be back and post what the fuck i said to him here.

2006-09-26T01:30:00.000+08:00

i want to blog, but i don't know what to blog about. all that's in my head now is FA RU XUE by Jay Chou. Me, the ktv, cheena freak.

狼牙月伊人憔悴
我举杯饮尽了风雪是
谁打翻前世柜惹尘埃是非

缘字诀几番轮回
你锁眉哭红颜换不回
纵然青史已经成灰我爱不灭

繁华如三千东流水
我只取一瓢爱了解
只恋你化身的蝶

你发如雪凄美了离别
我焚香感动了谁
邀明月让回忆皎洁
爱在月光下完美

你发如雪纷飞了眼泪
我等待苍老了谁
红尘醉微醺的岁月
我用无悔刻永世爱你的碑

It is a beautiful song, with beautiful lyrics. I may not understand fully, i think i do understand a little.

Today, i ponned my first class in smu. Biz Law. Reason being i was doing my nails. haha, and oh the nails aren't all that nice. Blue toe nails. or rather blue stumps of what might potentially be nails.

Everyone is studying like mad fucks, i'm serious. There were so many more slackers in jc than now.

This is what i do all day, think about stupid stuff, move from place to place to stone and chill, search stupid sites like steven lim's website. Do nothing but listen to Fa Ru Xue and understand the lyrics. Do nothing but listen to Bird Thong Chai's Sabai Sabai and figure what the song means, nevermind that Sabai Sabai is thai, and i barely know any thai. Stare into space. Eat, eat and eat some more. Find funny little corners to smoke. And while smoking i watch the smoke and figure out if there's a message in it for me, or if it represented anything at all. Or wonder if the shape of the smoke is reflective of my feelings and my thoughts.

I don't know how i'll make it through at this rate.

MK: must study hard ar, then can earn more money in the future

Haha, i like that perspective.

2006-09-24T23:11:00.000+08:00

i'm sitting in my living room with my comp on my lap and miami ink's first episode.

i'm fucked at the moment because i've the authorization letter to write , my prof to contact, etc. such little notice i'm giving her will obviously not reflect well on me.

And my very nice and happy group isnt all that conscientious, so i decided i cannot wait for everyone waiting for things to get done. i'm gonna write the proposal for the library and the weeks as well. the proposal for the outing can wait, so meanwhile i'll just bug them to get that done.

i sound like a mean freak, the kinda of person no one wants in their group. haha, but really, i'm not! =)

break: going down to smoke and chill for a while. will be back. i really hope that letter gets done. DAMN.

2006-09-24T08:54:00.000+08:00

Question: Why am i up so early?

Answer: I just came back from nite bike.

A total of 55km, countless slopes (okay, not exactly countless, but you get the point), 9 hours, 1 cheese and egg prata, 4 tuna sandwiches, 1 red bull, lots of encouragement, i get,

1 gold medal, 1 fucking aching backside, 1 pair of fucking aching groins

And here i am, online at 8 plus on a Sunday morning.

Okay, i don't know where to start about nite bike, but save to say, i don't exactly get an orgasmic sense of achievement like the group leader was saying i would.

From all those up and downhill slopes, all i conclude is that my attitude sucks.

I was so dying and mortified outta my wits, i had all the attention from the gls and some of the better cyclists. To hell with feminism, its crap. i was happy to play the damsel in distress. Let them help me carry my bike, take my water, slow down for me. Seriously, if not for me, my team would have been twice as fast.

Peeve 1

ok, so going uphill was, well, an uphill task for me. and each time, the gl and some of the guys would be going on and on about how i must "challenge myself" and "overcome the challenges" and when i do, i'll feel that "sense of achievement", and best of all i'd get to go down slope.

Sorry guys, i know all of you have really good intentions and you were all really nice, and i swear i did try my best, duh i couldn't let you all down.

But i still conclude my attitude sucks. All that went through my utterly disfunctional brain was:

What's with this world and facing challenges? This concept of overcoming challenges and improving oneself is totally overhyped. Why can't i just live my entire life not facing challenges, or at least, imposing challenges on myself, and just be happy? And what in the God-forbidden world would be wrong with that? Why put challenges in your way to make yourself suffer, just to overcome it. Really, at the end of the day, what do you prove?

Peeve 2

"April, jia you jia you, you can do it, its just a little bit more!" (we're on a stupid slope and we're going upward)

I'm screaming inside

1. the fucking slope is really killing me, and i'm not exactly the strongest person mentally and physically.

2. shut up! its NOT A LITTLE BIT, its FUCKING ALOT MORE TO GO.

3. don't tell me to take one slope at a time because i fucking know there are many more fucking slopes to go.

But they were all really nice and they really just wanted me to succeed and "conquer the slope" so i did it, i grit my teetch and paddled, and i swear i did my fucking best, however lousy my best was.

Peeve 3

"C'mon! when you get up this slope, you'll get to go down slope!"

Okay, so i tried really hard and i got up that slope without walking my bike. When i was going down the slope, yes it did feel really good, the wind in my hair, my contacts drying up and i had to keep closing my eyes and risking my life, the speed, and non-effort.

But i don't get a sense of accomplishment, i don't feel like i've been rewarded for my hardwork at all.

Maybe its because i just don't see one was an reward for the other.

Anyways, Why should it be? Going downhill is just that, going downhill.

and going uphill is just that, going uphill.

And, anyways, if there should be a reward, it'd be the pain and the hardwork you know you put in while going uphill and not reaching the top or coming back down.

So studying really hard is a reward in itself. I'd think it'd be really sad if the reward for studying really hard was good grades or the holidays. It'd be superficial and it'd just trivialise all that work i had put in. (ok that's assuming i did work real hard)

If all i thought about while going uphill was that i'd be able to go down later, all i'd then think would be "fuck the downhill, i don't need it." and then i'll simply give up. I need to be satisfied and happy with going uphill while i'm at it.

So much for all that, actually most of the time i was hoping a car would swerve out and knock me down so i wouldn't have to cycle anymore.

Goodnight.

2006-09-23T01:55:00.000+08:00

i don't have much more to blog about, but i don't want to sleep.

currently i'm online (duh, what am i saying), on msn with two people.

being fucking irritated by one of them. i think i'll just block him off my msn. KNN. but now i'm so bored i'll just entertain that Loser.

irritating anonymous: hey, has skool been a bitch thus far

(notice the annoying spelling of school)
(and notice the use of negative, normal people just ask hey, hows school)

me: erm no, it has been ok

(duh its been ok because i've not been doing anything. and even if i've been doing anything, it'll still not be a bitch, you bitch)

a few typical stupid comments from him and amused replies from me on,

irritating anonymous: but i still want to play frisbee tmr, i'm going with dav in the morn

(notice the word "still", annoying fuck)
(this statement comes after a long shitass story about how "projs" are "eating my time up" and he as no time for "reading my own things". realise that own things refer to subject readings)

me: oh ok, then maybe you should go sleep now

irritating anonymous: im scared to have to run, maybe i'll go a little later

me: nvm, just go run then, it'll do you good

(i cant believe that fuck is still talking to me)

irritating anonymous: i know, but i don't want to, i rather swim, i just want to play frisbee, i don't want to do anything else

me: erm ok

irritating anonymous: u want to go? if you run, i promise i will run too and make sure i will run to my best

(WTF)

me: no, i don't want to go.

irritating anonymous: haha ok, i don't think i can wake up either

me: ok goodnight i'm going to sleep, you better go sleep too cos you gonna run tmr at 9

irritating anonymous: i don't think i will go, i will swim

i close the window. hahah ten million WTFs in my mind.

2006-09-23T01:29:00.000+08:00

I'm not supposed to be online. i'm supposed to be sleeping. but i cant escape it. these days, everything i do is cathartic.

i smoke, its cathartic

i blog, its cathartic

i go for comms speech and csp show and tell, its cathartic

yes, even comms speech and csp is cathartic.

My comms speech was on tattoos. A whole load of nerves and not much preparation, but i learnt much from it. I feel i really appreciate tattoos as art now. If i pull through that speech, it'll be because i really felt what i said; i wasn't just saying it. If i pull through, that is.

Show and tell was really fun. Not because AL was there, but because i really love my ltb people. aarish was just being the mad ass he is, it was fun. i was manicky and screaming at every little bit. sorry aarish, i pinched you so hard. pam and me were in the toilet wearing and posing with that stupid afro hair when everyone else was having prof ma's debrief. =) melissa drank heineken on wed. and sze yee swore twice. haha. and john was being john, sorry dude, forgot u. =)

smoking after that with aarish, 3 skls makes you all emo and sick in the stomach.

Aarish: so what if i smoke 6 packs a day, i could still cross the road tomorrow and get knocked down and die.

Me: if you smoke 6 packs a day and die of lung cancer at twenty-five, you didn't die of lung cancer because you smoked 6 packs a day. You smoked 6 packs a day because you were going to die of lung cancer at 25.

2006-09-21T11:20:00.000+08:00

i'm sitting here in FA, all i'm doing is being thoroughly amused at the china people's accents. ha, evil, but i'm not that bad. last week someone wrote in his feedback "complete waste of time". Now, that's really evil.

i had a morbid dream last night. i dreamt that someone grabbed me by my arms and slashed me repeatedly with knife. Not the kitchen type, fiercer. something like a parang, but larger. i had slashes all over my forearms (pause: another china person! GLEE! hahahah more amusement.). They weren't long deep gashes, they were relatively short cuts, but there were many cuts. And the cutes were clean; no blood, no mess, just one clean neat slash, and nice pinkish-red flash peeking from underneath.

=) =/ =

i realise how little i've been thinking. I used to think about life, about death, about stuff, now i don't at all. one day i just decided, i ain't thinking anymore, cos thinking doesn't do any good. it just gets you depressed, ridiculously worked up over everything that cannot be answered. So i stopped thinking, and started to take everything as it is.

Lets take a bad example. Last wed, debs and i saw a dead body (to me), cadever (to debs) on the road. I think (note: only i think) the old me will start thinking about life and death, retribution etc etc. But when i saw that dead body, all that went through my mind was "oh, dead body". And when debs was going on about how poor thing blah blah, the greatest reaction i could get outta myself was "oh, dead body."

I think i've become somewhat air headed and shallow.

2006-09-21T01:26:00.000+08:00

Today i re-realised i should just be me.

But, who the fuck am i?

Cont.

2006-09-08T03:49:00.000+08:00

Its the last thing i need now. So i can't fall for anyone. Ok i'm just being a fuck head. What's this? Withdrawal symptoms ah. I don't wanna love or like anybody. Its too tiring. But i'm just one big liar. Really. I'll try and think of my body mod. I'm back into that shit. Its lovely and i love it. Oh just let me rot and die. Then again tattoos and piercings remind me of something i don't wanna be reminded of. It'll just perpetuate my sadness. I should just rot and die.

Help

2006-09-08T03:38:00.000+08:00

Somebody save me! I'm falling into depression. Is it insomnia or is it just ridiculous sleeping habits? Probably i mixture of both? Sigh its been like that for so long . I can never fall asleep at night. I don't know what i'm thinking about, its just one mess. I don't know what i'm feeling either, its blurry. Its a mess of emotions. Negative emotions. Maybe a little relief, but that's as good as it gets. Church is not the cure, i've given up. A boyfriend or love interest? I'll remind myself that's the last

Its my birthday

2006-09-08T03:16:00.000+08:00

Its my birthday today and i can't sleep at 3am. Its normal cos i usually don't sleep at this time, but tonight, i really wanna sleep. Very sad now. I'm feeling lost and depressed and i wanna just detach myself from the world.
I'm blogging from my beloved new phone now. Dunno if it works. I'm sad cos i have a new phone but nobody to message. Only sent 35 messages in the past 3 days. Sigh ok i'll test this first

randomness

2006-09-06T02:07:00.000+08:00

Yay i'm going to get a new phone tmr. the sony ericsson k610i. I have a bad record with phones. so yeah, i hope this works out.

WTF is a "bad record with phones"? i seriously have some prob.

meet ltb group and client tmr. feeling insecure like we've not done enough. i've been whiling away time. see i dare not even refer to it as "MY time".

dunno why i am so damn free this week. today i woke up at 3 after 13 hours of sleep (still not enough to repay my sleep debt), then ate and watch tv, and then back to bed at 430. woke up again at 630, ate, stone around and procrastinate, to pp at 8, found the deal for my phone (to be) then back home at 950 for some part of stupid channel 8 shoe and KSS.

One wonders why i'm getting fat.

Seriously, i can feel the gathers around my tummy when it used to be wash board. believe me or not. even legs are getting flabby. that's the real mark of trouble.

better go join dragon boat or swimming or whatever it is. which reminds me that dragon boat is tmr. oh.

may i be empowered by the k610i.

2006-07-30T02:26:00.000+08:00

First entry on a brand new blog.